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Witch StuffCoven of Cythrawl
POSTINGS
(Number 444 & 446)
I received a reply to the last posting which follows and to which I replied after)
(My answer to this particular posting was.....)
Letting Go of Grief
Greetings *******, thanks for the
posting and sharing your
deep feelings. As you have asked for suggestions for elements of
ritual for moving on during grief, I thought I might write a little
something, to help you move on with resolve and get the wheel turning
again. I'm sure others will have something to offer also and it
means we all share in your decision to move on and our hearts will be
with you.
There are obviously times in all our lives when grief takes a hold of
us and seems to become a permanent emotion. The death of someone dear
to us is certainly such a time and the sad fact is that it will
happen to us all at some time or another. It is the unfairness of
loved one's being taken early that eat away at us in the seemingly
senselessness of it all.
Although such deep grief is a necessary and natural emotion, it can
often linger to a point that keeps you from returning to your real
life though and that is where danger lurks. The ancients honoured
the passing in love and joy, knowing that loved one's were going to
Summer Lands and be once again in the hands of the Goddess.
Grief is an emotion that can actually lodge in the body tissues and
the spirit. Grief can affect those who carry it in several ways. It
causes the heart to be shut down and removed from life. This has a
negative impact on relationships. Deep internal sadness prevents
healthy empathetic connection. It also reduces the capacity to enjoy
life and can result in depression. In addition it robs motivation and
well-being. Many people report that it's effects, sometimes only
recognized in retrospect are exhausting.
Many people can feel the grief as physical sensations. The symptoms
most often associated with grief are heaviness in the chest, frequent
sighing, and feelings of deadness in the heart region. Other signs
can be painful inflexible ribs, a lump or tightness in the throat and
shoulders hunched protectively forward to protect the heart. This
results in postural changes as well. Frequent lung problems can also
be traced to stored grief.
If you recognize that you are holding grief, there is actually much
you can do, but I just wanted to delve a little deeper to lay the
table, so to speak. People often get stuck in grief because they
feel they have already cried enough. Yet sometimes, deep grief is
expressed in wracking sobs that originate in the solar plexus
region. It's as if the deepest expression of it allows for release,
and milder expressions may actual keep emotion stuck and recycling.
The deeper releases come more easily when breath is involved.
Actually. breathing deeply in and out without a pause between the in
and the out will often flush the feelings.
There are several aids to this process that can be employed. The
first is to simply put a small, hard pillow between the shoulder
blades and feel the pressure gently opening the chest from behind as
you lie on the floor. Another aid is flower essences, a vibrational
remedy. A carefully blended grief formula can be taken over a period
of time which is ideal, or only when working with the feelings. This
releases the congested emotional energy that really comprises the
block. Music also can be of powerful assistance in releasing grief.
Piano, harp, violin, and cello all stimulate the heart.
Actually, what I am to suggest in a Yule ritual will finish the
Samhain cycle and you are to emerge newborn, along with the Sun, by
grieving deeply for the last time and starting to turn the wheel for
not just you, but the departed once again, so that harmony is resumed
on both sides.
Such a powerful release of grief can change your whole viewpoint. You
hopefully might feel lighter, freer, more optimistic and loving and
knowing that your loved one can finally move on in the Summerlands
That is because the heart freed from constriction can energetically
open again and the deep and powerful psychic effect is felt on all
planes of existence and dimensions. That kind of opening is
characterized by feelings of well-being, connectedness and wholeness
for you and the final constricting chord severed to release the
spirit on the other side.
We firstly need to know that grief is a really normal and natural
response to loss; it is part of the human experience. The only way to
avoid grief is not to live and not to love and of course that is not
our way in Wicca.
The loss of a loved one throws us into chaos and whether we manage to
get through that day or the next week or even the years after; one
thing remains: Our lives have been changed forever. That is one of
the most important things to realize from the beginning to be able to
cope with grief and start the wheel turning again.
You will never, ever be the same again and you must realize, that is
all right. Your world has changed. It will be different from now on.
You will heal, but you will never be exactly the same. Accept this
and move on!
I'm writing this to invoke feelings that must once again be
resurrected for the last time within your ritual. So, we must go
back to the first days and even weeks after this awful moment and
they were filled with activity and preparations. You felt like you
were watching yourself go through the motion through someone else's
eyes. You might've felt detached and numb, beginning to wonder into
what nether region all your emotions fled. This is a stage of denial
and disbelief. It, too, is normal.
In between these times of not knowing where the real "you" went, you
may cry and feel depressed and lose sleep or sleep too much. Or you
may force yourself to be the strong one for the rest of the family.
You may become angry over little things. Sometime you may think that
if you start crying, you will never stop. That's okay, too.
Absolutely Normal.
But more importantly, realize that we all grieve in our own way. We
are all individuals and are thank the Gods; different. Don't be
thrown if you-or someone you know, wonders why you are or are not
reacting in a certain way. Whatever way in which you grieve is normal
for you! However long you need to grieve is normal for you!! Your
spirit knows what is necessary for your body and your emotions to
begin to heal.
But that doesn't mean you have to go it alone. Since we all have or
will face this same experience of loss, we can help each other.
Most people really need to talk about their grief experience at some
time. They may tell the story of those 'last days" over and over
again. One of the most loving things that a friend (especially a
Coven sister or brother) can do is let them talk and just listen.
Most people do not want advice on how to "buck up"; they just want
their grief to be heard and acknowledged.
Most often the reason why, after the first flurry of condolences and
cards-that people seem to drift away, is that they don't know what to
say anymore. Don't blame them. Perhaps we've been there ourselves.
But it may help them to realize that they don't have to say anything
except, "I care about you and I am here because I care."
That is what we need to hear and Goddess bless the friend that dares
to be silent in the face of the sanctity of our grief. That is the
friend that you will treasure forever.
Time by itself does not heal all wounds, as you are finding out.
There is a person missing from your life that cannot be replaced.
Your life has changed forever. But what you DO with the time that you
have will help you on the road to healing.
Starhawk says quite emphatically that, "Only Poetry Can Address
Grief", so before the ritual, find a lovely prose that you feel sums
everything up. Search the bookshops if you don't have such a book.
Perhaps check the internet. You can also visit places like :
http://u.webring.com/hub?ring=hopering
And just cruise the deep feelings that abound there.
Remember something too, that YOU ARE THE LASTING MEMORIAL TO THE LIFE
THAT IS GONE.
The times of holidays and birthdays and family celebrations always
bring back the realization that someone is missing. Often we try to
push this feeling of loss aside. Perhaps the healthier thing to do-
especially since we are Pagans and believe in the continuance of the
spirit, is to always INCLUDE the dead family member in the
celebrations, especially at Samhain.
Bring out their picture, set them a plate, raise a toast in their
honour. Tell the family stories. Buy that birthday, Mother's Day,
Father's Day card instead of avoiding that aisle in the store on
those days.
Memories of love last forever. As long as you remember a person, they
are never really passed.
Accepting changes resulting from a loss and knowing what are some
obstacles to letting go will help.
The irrational beliefs that "If I let go... then:
I will fall apart. - Others will fall apart. - Life will be
awful. - I will never be happy again. - I won't know what to do
with the rest of my life.
So we must learn how to hold on and push away at the same time. As
part of the preparation to this ritual, try one or more of these
ideas to stimulate your letting go:
Write a eulogy to the person in your life whom you need to let go of
in the Summerlands. In the eulogy emphasize their positive
contributions to others in their life and capture their goodness,
zest for life, and energy. Once you have completed this task, you may
recognize that the person wanted you to let go. If they had lived,
they would never have been as productive and would have never enjoyed
life as much as they once had.
Write your own eulogy if you are having problems considering your
letting go of life when the time comes. By reviewing your own life,
you may recognize the need to let go once its quality is diminished
due to terminal or severely debilitating illness.
Write a will and the plans for your funeral service. This will remind
you of your mortality and the need for you to keep your priorities in
life clear.
The following is an excerpt and summarized from one of our rituals
and joins into a releasing, healing and being born again with the
Sun. This ritual should be performed during the New Moon (at least
when the moon is waxing), but it is not limited to that phase. The
Need, not the Season, determines the performance.
Cast you circle as normal and sit in a corner, (preferably in NE
corner), facing
A Skull, (plastic one if you can, or even a picture), one Black
Candle and an Egg Timer laid out on a black cloth. Perform this
ritual in a quiet place, free from distraction, and nude. You will
also need some pillows and blankets for later.
Recite the following - "This ritual explains the rite of life and
death and then being raised and reborn into the welcoming arms of
Witchcraft, The Craft of the Wise, and Wicca. As in anything deeply
mystical or magickal, the meaning cannot be simply communicated
intellectually; it has to work through an analogous process within
the individual; a stream of symbols, images and experiences, rather
than a mere explanation. Always remember that Wicca is a religion of
love and devotion and you will ever remember your rebirth and the
subsequent freedom of Nature's Way.
In front of me – I see various articles upon the floor. These
articles represent deep truths you must reach into my very being to
understand. First of these symbols, I see is a black candle
burning. Black is herein representing Death! As the flame burns,
flickering in the breeze, I will be reminded of how fragile our
flickering light of life is in this physical world. Knowing that the
seeds of death are already inherent in the very cycle of life.
"Lo; as the wind is, so is mortal life,
a moan, a sigh, a sob, a storm, a strife.
Wherefore and whence we are, ye cannot know,
Nor where lives springs, nor wither life doth go...."
"What pleasure hast thou of thy changless bliss?
Nay, if life and love lasted, there were joy in this;
But life's way is the wind's way, all these things
Are but brief voices breathed on shifting strings.
O Maya's daughter / son! Because we roam the earth
Moan we upon these strings; we make no mirth,
So many woes we see in many lands,
So many streaming eyes and wringing hands.
Yet mock we, while they wail, for, could they know,
This life they cling to is but empty show;
`Twere all as well to bid a cloud to stand,
Or hold a running river with the hand…."
Think hard on this – as the candle flickers in front of you.
"Next I see before me, a human skull. This may soon designate and
represent our last resting place and future. I must be ever mindful
of that great change, when I shall be called from the labours of life
to the Summerland of beyond the grave.
In admonishment,I must reflect in the most serious manner, in
reference to the `close of life', that, when the cold winter of death
shall have passed, and in the bright summer morn of rebirth, pass
into the bliss of the unknown appears; the Sun and Moon shall descend
as one and envelope our ransomed dead.
Next I perceive an hour-glass, which is an emblem of human life.
Behold! How swiftly the sands run, and how rapidly our lives are
drawing to a close. We cannot without astonishment behold the little
particles, which are contained in this emblem, how they pass almost
imperceptibly, and yet, to our surprise, in a short space of time,
they are all exhausted. Thus wastes man and woman! Today they put
forth tender leaves of hope and youthfulness; tomorrow blossoms, and
bears their blushing honours thick upon them, the next day comes a
frost, which nips the shoot, and, when they think their greatness
still aspiring, they fall, like autumn leaves, to enrich our Mother
Earth.
Thus, we close our lecture on the emblems with solemn thought of
death. We are all born to die; we follow our friends to the brink of
the grave, and standing on the shore of a vast ocean, we gaze with
exquisite anxiety until the last struggle is over, and we see them
sink into the fathomless abyss. We feel our own feet sliding from
the precarious brink on which we stand, and a few more suns, and we
will be whelmed `neath death's awful wave, to rest in the stilly
shades, and darkness and silence will reign around our melancholy
abode.
But is the end of man, and of the aspiring hopes of all faithful
Wiccans? No! Blessed Be. We pause not our feet at the first or
second step; but true to our principles, look forward for greater
Light. As the embers of mortality are faintly glimmering in the
sockets of existence, the Lord and Lady shall accompany us to the
Summerland, bids hope and joy rouse us, and sustains and cheers the
departing spirit; it points beyond the silent grave, and bids us turn
our eyes to our faith and confidence upon the opening scenes of our
eternity, however that may come.
Thus, I will spend a time to contemplate what I have said and reflect
deep on the depths of those emblems I now behold and the hopes and
love of the Summerland and beyond."
The next phase of this will require any memorabilia which tends to
powerfully evoke the sadness you still hold: letters, pictures,
gifts, etc.; and an object which reminds you of some upcoming event
which is likely to bring you pleasure, (it can be a holiday month in
the future, for example), blankets or pillows The Spell
Sit while holding the memorabilia, and allow the feelings to come
freely. Say aloud why you are sad.
It's okay to cry, yell, or pound. You are going to release your
daughter finally, so that she can pass on and will not be bound to
the summerland's portals through your confining grief.
Find a key phrase that expresses this grief and say it out loud, over
and over. Let it all out and cry together with your daughter, who
will be drawn to this final release. To say farewell a final time.
Take this time to do that. Say your farewell and let the Mother walk
your daughter hand in hand to beyond the portals and into the bliss
and love of the Summerlands. Feel the release and the ending of her
pain, allowing her to start the wheel once again and move on through
the arms of the goddess.
The tears might roll down your cheeks as you can NEVER stop the
waves, but you now "you must learn how to surf."
So now visualize yourself being held closely by the Mother Goddess,
who rocks and comforts you. Swathe yourself in the blankets and
pillows that you brought into to the Circle, and rock gently back and
forth as you feel Her warm embrace.
After awhile, look at the memorabilia again, and recall that in the
circle, all time is now. What you once had, you always have and will
have in your heart, as long as you don't shut it out. What you were
given was real, and helped mold your life, and can never be taken
away as long as you remember and cherish it.
Remember the good times, and when you are ready, thank the Lady,
remembering that you had those good times and finally you are
allowing her to move on within the bliss of the Summerlands and all
its beauty, within the arms of the Goddess that now holds you too,
for you will always be joined.
Now bring out the object that reminds you of the coming event: a
visit to a favorite friend or relative, a special holiday, or a
conference that should be exciting. Remind yourself that life goes
on, that there is still much to look forward to: this is only a tiny
sample of the good times ahead for you. Ask Her to heal your pain
with this Blessing.
There is real power in the Self Blessing; it should not be used other
than in times of real need, like at this moment, and should not be
done promiscuously.
The purpose of the ritual is to bring you into closer contact with
the Godhead. It can also be used as a minor dedication, when a
person who desires dedication has no one who can dedicate him. This
self-blessing ritual may also be used as a minor exorcism, to banish
any negative influences which may have formed around the person. It
may be performed by any person upon himself, and at his desire.
You will now need the following:
1. Salt, about one quarter teaspoon
2. Wine, about an ounce.
3. Water, about one-half ounce.
4. Candle, votive or other.
The result of the ritual is a feeling of peace and calm. It is
desirable that you bask in the afterglow so that you may meditate and
understand that you have called the attention of the Goddess and God
to yourself, asking to grow closer to the Godhead in peace, love,
goals and in wisdom.
When you are ready to begin, sprinkle the salt on the floor and stand
on it, lighting the candle. Let the warmth of the candle be absorbed
into the body. Mis the water into the wine, meditating upon your
reasons for performing the self-blessing.
Read the following aloud:
Bless me, Mother, for I am your child.
Dip the fingers of the right hand into the mixed water and wine and
anoint the eyes,
Blessed be my eyes, that I may see your path.
Anoint the nose,
Blessed be my nose, that I may breathe your essence.
Anoint the mouth,
Blessed be my mouth, that I may speak of you.
Anoint the breasts,
Blessed be my breast, that I may be faithful in my work.
Anoint the loins,
Blessed be my loins, which bring forth the life of men and women as
you have brought forth all creation.
Anoint the feet,
Blessed be my feet, that I may walk in your ways.
Remain...and mediate for a while
Although this is probably as basic as dedication can get, this
nevertheless is very useful and powerful, even if only used for
banishment of negativity.
Open the circle when you are ready.
Suddenly your spirits should lift. Hear the "morning song" of the
birds that drops by to visit you each morning. Feel the first
warming rays of the new born Sun poke their way through the grey of
dawn, lightly touching your back to say hello. The solar chimes on
your table tops tinkle a merry, little tune that sings: "Look up.
Look up."
As I you raise your eyes, see the splendor of rainbows dancing about
the room, darting this way and that.
The Sun is greeted by crystals in your window with a good morning
kiss! What a beautiful gift of wonder! The wheel for both of you
has now started to turn and you know in your heart that the veils are
thin within the deep Love of the Goddess, and will always hold you
close. It is a time of re-birth and feel yourself being born again
and know in your heart that your daughter is moving on in the peace
and love of your letting go.
You will now need to re-read the last posting and start to reach out
to the Goddess each and every day. She, who holds your daughter's
soul in Her loving and gentle hands, knowing that each time you
connect to Her, you will always feel Her love and also the love,
freedom and happiness of your loved one close by.
Let your heart leap. Feel so blessed. You just let go. The beauty and
wonder envelops you in wave after wave of love and comfort. "You have
just learned how to surf."
Blessed Be
Azaz Cythrawl
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